Courtney?

Wow.
I just don’t know what to say.
I’m so excited to be 17 right now.
I had a wonderful birthday and I’d like to start by saying thank you to my parents.
Without y’all I wouldn’t be here. Literally.
Thomas, thank you so much for my party and my presents and everything you’re wonderful i love you.
Morgan and Abby thank you for my cake and rose i love y’all
Samantha and Megan thank y’all for my “present” y’all are awesome
Umm
*elevator music begins playing to try and kick me off the stage but i don’t back down*
Thank you to the pizza delivery guy for being so patient when we tried to pay with a credit card because no one had cash
Thank you to those of you who went to get me wendy’s even though it was closed and i fell asleep before you got back.
Wow there’s so many people i still need to thank!
Thank you to that lady who moved out of my way so i could get some applejuice.
Thank you to that other lady for my waffles
*they crank the music up a little louder*
Thank you to whoever supplied the mess on the table i’m sure someone wasn’t very happy about that but it wasn’t me
Thank you to everyone who commented my myspace page wishing me a happy birthday
Thank you to everyone who came to my party
Look for me in the near future i’ll be attending rated r movies and staying out past 11 pm
Thank you to everyone i’m sorry if i didn’t mention I love you all!
*the music is blaring*

I’m so tired.

Not really sleepy tired,but emotionally tired, and my body is tired.

I wish I could say it just once aqnd some teacher’s light bulb would go off and say OH!

God it’s just so hard. I feel like I’ve been working towards college since I was in kindergarten (sadly I’m not exaggerating).

There’s so much pressure to try hard “SO YOU CAN GET INTO COLLEGE!” I swear I’ve heard that so many times it’s unreal. I mean I get it you know I get that a lot of people slack off and don’t meet their potential. But I want you to explain to me why I bust my ass to make good grades in my all advanced + AP classes and I’ve never once seen my picture in the office for student of the month, or i’ve never been selected for any award or class personality. EXPLAIN that shit to me?

You know why that happens because there are people who would be making the grades I’m making or worse in the classes I’m taking, but instead they take all regular so they can have a perfect 4.0. Good God i could have a 20.0 if I were taking the same classes as you, but I’m not screwing myself over for college.

Yeah i know “Just because no one notices now doesn’t mean they won’t later.” It’s not about that honestly. I don’t care about all those stupid school awards that won’t get me a job I care that these people are cheating those of us who actually try out of the recognition we deserve.

damnit i hate being cynical and pissed off. i’m sorry.

What is wrong with women??

I think this astronaut, Mrs. Nowak, is a nut. I understand the diaper idea, but she will go down in infamy just because she wore a diaper. Honestly, she is married with children and fighting a single woman for a single man…. What a pointless venture. Good God I wish some feminists could get their hands on her.

Miss Britney,
Oh geeze Britney what are you putting up your nose these days? You have two adorable babies at home. Babies that need mothers not the kind of person you are displaying to the community these days. I hear from one source you are begging for k-fed back. That’s like sucking all the algae out of a pool, then dumping it right back in because it looked nice where it was. Jesus britney, I actually had hope for you when you ended it. So now I’m hearing you just broke up with your boyfriend and now you’re pursuing Justin like I hoped you would. But Brit, I get the feeling he’s not interested in the coked-out bitch snorting off a toilet you have become. I know this may sound harsh, but if you don’t get it together soon I have a feeling you’ll be bouncing out of rehab centers quicker than your single’s USED to hit number 1.

Tara Conner,

Honestly I really don’t want to talk about her but I will. I strongly dislike this girl. She is a horrible representative of America, and someone I would NEVER want to be considered a role model. I don’t believe her rehab story. I don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth. She admitted to using cocaine, god only knows what else. I don’t care if it’s “what everyone is doing” That IS a narcotic. You go to federal prison for cocaine possession/use. All news sources are reporting she went to rehab for her “hard-partying” Are they kidding? I think a better term would be her illicit drug use I’m disgusted, completely, 100% DISGUSTED.

These are women that are in the news and are supposed to represent me. I’m sorry but I am nothing like these “Celebrities”. Maybe feminists wouldn’t have anything to complain about if more respectable women were in the news more often than Celebutant’s private parts…

I really don’t like telling people what I want to be. I’m afraid that when I say I want to go into bio-medical research they nod their heads and think what the hell is she thinking. Because honestly when people tell me what they want to be sometimes i do the same thing. Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite on the planet. I just hate admitting how I really feel because I’m so afraid of rejection. It’s hard only trusting one person to know who you really are. I guess Thomas really is the only person who knows how I really am, what I really want, and how I truely feel. See I hate saying things like that because I feel like whoever reads this is thinking why is she so fond of him, she’s in high school they’ll break up soon anyway. And now I feel even more dumb because people probably don’t care enough to think that much about me. God I don’t know I guess I’m just not comfortable enough with myself I guess I don’t know myself well enough. I think this year has really shaped the person I will become. I’ve dealt with a lot and learned so much. I don’t know I just wish someone would tell me have faith in yourself Courtney you can do it. You can make it through school and you can be great. I wish I didn’t need anyone to tell me that. I wish I could focus my thoughts. I wish I could take a test that would tell me what I’m going to be. Here’s my current dilemma: I’m debating on taking Mrs. Allan’s creative writing class or Calculus. God I hate math so much and it would be so much nicer to take mrs.allan’s class. I just feel like if i don’t take Calculus I’m slacking, but I think it will really benefit me to take mrs.allan’s class. I’m beginning to whine. I just erased an entire whiney sentence yay me. Maybe I’m developing will-power. Well seeing as I’m typing a blog instead of studying I guess not.

Could someone please answer some questions for me?

1. I’m about to be 17 in a week and a half, so why am I still being told when to go to bed?
2. I’m about to be 17 in a week and a half, so why is my mother still berging in my room moments before she knows I’m about to wake up?
3. I’m about to be 17 in a week and a half, so why am I being encouraged to get a job and be more responsible if my mother still treats me like I’m 10.
4. I’m about to be 17 in a week and a half, I remember being younger and thinking I would never be this old and now I am and I still feel like any semi-deep emotions or thoughts are premature or childish, why is this?
5. I’m about to be 17 in a week and a half, why am I not thrilled? I can drive past 11 and go to rated R movies.

I’ll tell you why because nothing is going to change until I move out and even when that happens I will be getting phone calls at 6:00 AM “Courtney are you up yet?! Your first day of college is today!!” “Mom my first class isn’t until 3 PM.” “Yeah, but you should get up now and get ready, then go find your class you might get lost, plus I want to make sure you wake up before I have to go to work.” “Alright thanks mom.”

SO here’s my dilemma: move away and satisfy my dreams, or sacrifice a small bit for four years until grad school and be able to see most of my friends while unfortunately still having to deal with some people. I honestly don’t know what’s best for me. I don’t think the whole partying thing is going to be an issue. But whatever I guess I have about a year and a half to decide.

On a lighter note I have to go speak to Eng. 2 Adv. tomorrow about AP. I think I’m going to bring in my very first essay and my most recent one. Just show them the contrast of the amount of red on either paper and that should be explanation enough. Here’s the breakdown:

You come into AP.
You suck.
You think you’re fabulous.
You turn in your first paper.
You get it back.
You realize how much you suck.
You try really hard on your next paper.
No gratification.
You are aware of exactly how much you suck.
You quit trying.
You suck even worse than you originally did.
You start taking advice and absorbing methods and ideas.
You start sucking less.
You turn in a paper.
No sarcastic remarks.
You feel that there might be a God.
You begin applying these methods to all of your work.
You learn Christa Bezelbub Allan is God.

I think I’ll print out 30 copies of that and title it English 3 AP: A Brief Synopsis.

Okay so the first half of this post if from last night I’ll let you know when we get to today. If that makes any sense.

So I was just doing yoga, and the instructor is a slightly larger lady. The amazing thing is that this lady is really fit and does all the poses perfect it’s really crazy. I mean I think she’s bigger than me, and I’m like struggling.

That got me thinking, it’s interesting that some hundred years ago these super models that are the face of modern beauty would have been shunned old-maids. I mean to be beautiful was generally depicted based on hip size. Due to the fact that women with bigger hips could more easily bear children, and men needed heirs, I could have been a queen. I just imagine when women were around 15-ish they would go to the town square and walk through a giant wall of gelatin and whoever’s silhouette had the broadest hips gets to marry the king. I imagine Kate Moss walking through the gelatin wall and not getting to marry anyone because they can’t find her silhouette.

I’m watching John Pinette now. All I can say is if you’ve never seen him perform find his video NOW. Oh and he’s a very large man. A very VERY large man.

I’ll give you some excerpts,

“I went to KFC which is good but it’s the health equivalent of smoking crack.”

“I saw the cold stone creamery as I was riding in a taxi, and I tell the driver pull over I’m getting ice cream, he says ‘No I have another pick-up’ and then he wipes the blood from his head and says you know I want an ice cream too’”

“I speak a little Italian I can say feed me I’m hungry.”

“We were in France and the food is great but I could use some Italian. So this whole time I want Italian food so I finally say something and this guy says, ‘Oh you want Italian food? We’re 45 minutes away from Italy we can just go there.’ I look at him and say, I would eat you but you have the directions get in the car! It takes 45 minutes to get to Italy, it took me 11.”

SO Now it’s current.

Okay so I have an unbelievable amount of homework in B-rad’s class that’s due friday. I’ll never finish because I’d rather listen to music and type blogs. I am so annoyed with technology. I want a song on my myspace and in order to do that i have to find the song put it in a player then put it on my page. I also need to check my giftcard balance which i can only do online and in order to do it online I have to download some flash player (i’m not sure what that has to do with my balance) but the download website won’t let me OH MY GOD i just found a song i have been searching for oh wow oh wow oh wow i am so excited!!!!!!!! Mika is my new favorite singer. ok so i’m going search for music.

A lot on my mind

Ready to be 18

Seeing as I’m not even 17

I need to stop whining

I need to stop making lists

I’m tired of worrying about college. I don’t even want to go to college.

I hate when people think they know someone because that person acts one way around them and one way around you. God I can not tolerate that..I wish people knew what she is really like. A self-obsessed attention whore.

I’m tired of being forced to care about certain people.

I need to stop being so apathetic and negative.

I shouldn’t let music be my only outlet. It’s just so comforting though. It’s like a warm blanket on a cold, wet day. It’s almost as good as my favorite books.

I think the whole winter being depressing thing is true.

I need sunlight as much as I enjoy the cold.

I need a vacation.

I wish she still knew me. I wish she cared enough to know me. I guess something’s have to take the back burner and that something is just me. I miss how it used to be. I miss being able to talk and know my words and thoughts were cared about.

I can’t stand the place in my life I’m at right now and in a way I couldn’t love it more.I love the relationships that have developed in my life. I hate the relationships that have deteriorated. I love my age. I hate my age. I love yoga. I hate exercise. I love comfort food(junk). I hate the way it makes me look. I love the way I look. I hate creating that look. I can’t help but be so honest. I hate honesty.

I wish I was capable of lying.

I wish I was capable of being content with silence.

Silence is defeaning. I hate it but I want to love it.

I love company. I love the house all to myself.

There’s no point to this blog.

I’m going watch girl,interrupted. It’s sad that my favorite movie makes me depressed and feel better about myself all in one sitting.

Thomas you say you’re never in my blogs. Take that as a good thing. I don’t write about you because these blogs are all me being pissed off. You aren’t involved in that YAY what I do have to say in reference to you though, is thank you..

SO I was reading Mrs. Allan’s blog and it reminded me of some of my biggest fears. One of those is being in a vegatative(correct spelling?) state. The hard thing is I wouldn’t want to put my loved ones through the torment of seeing me that way everyday and knowing how I used to be. But my reserve is my undying faith in medical technology. What if something were to develop. What if some breakthrough research came in the day after I died. I find that to be a very inhumane situation.

I would like to write a letter to Mr. Adkins/The Barbe Newspaper/ The American Press about the current dance situation. I just don’t have the energy right now. Although I haven’t attended a dance since Sophomore homecoming and I’m not a huge fan of dances, i don’t think it’s fair that I will be forced to miss out on my Senior Prom. My boyfriend does not go to Barbe, is it fair that I should be punished for something I never did. Is it fair that the entire school is being punished for something many of them did not do. No it’s not. Many seniors have already said they either will not or can not attend their senior prom due to the new rules. I completely understand the other rules and agree with them, but just because two boys got into a fight is it fair to punish all 1,700 of us? I am aware that most will say well just bring another date. I’m sorry but I enjoy my boyfriend’s (whom I have been dating for almost 2 years) company and would never want to go on a date with another boy. I would not even attend a dance alone or with girl friends, because I would want him there. I am also aware that senior prom is not a pivotal moment in one’s life nor an especially spectacular event, but I would still like the opportunity to attend. I just don’t want to miss out. I feel like one day I’m going to be thirty-something and I’m going to look back and say man, I wish I could have went to my own prom.

On a lighter note…

I would like Microsoft Office for my birthday.

i just read that sentence and I’m now aware of exactly how much of a nerd i am.

My mom booked our vacation yay! As much as i’d like to go somewhere else I love destin and i love the Azure. It’s so relaxing.

let’s see only what like 5 months left till school’s out and summer is here.

I haven’t written a post lately so I thought I might attempt that, even though I don’t have much on my mind, which is unusual. Anyway so I think I’ll start with my mid-term grades.They weren’t so hot. Health-85 hahah dont ask.
Pre-Calculus-80
English-86 (very happy about this one)
Physics-72 decent
Yearbook-70 another don’t ask
Am. History- 96(yay)
Chemistry- 82

You know I think I’m happy about my grades. I am taking really hard classes this year and so far I haven’t had a single D. One thing that angers me though, is those elective classes that teach you nothing all year then suddenly expect you to recall the whole text book in an attempt to make their class seem legitimate. I have no problem with teacher’s who teach me all year then give hard mid-terms that’s expected. You learned the material you should be able to recall it.

Today I went with Thomas to go job hunting. We went to the fur festival this past weekend it was super fun. The best/worst part was the chicken on a stick. God that was good. My stomach was really pissed at me after. I mean I did feel slightly bad because of my running/yoga spree. How can anyone be expected to not eat festival food. Oh god Oprah is talking about how horrible fried food is. I would love to see Oprah visit festivals every weekend with a 5 pound crown on her head and 5 inch heels on her feet. I’m pretty sure the last thing on her mind would be saturated fats.

On a lighter subject, my birthday is less than a month. YAY i’ll be 17. Which means….I can go to a rated R movie. Even my daily life at high school consists of sharing facilities with people who could put jenna jameson to shame. okay birthday list:

Mouse for laptop. I hate dragging my finger around a little square and coordinating that with my other hand clicking buttons.

Laptop Case

Tanning Minutes

Money

I’ll add more soon

I haven’t written a post lately so I thought I might attempt that, even though I don’t have much on my mind, which is unusual. Anyway so I think I’ll start with my mid-term grades.They weren’t so hot. Health-85 hahah dont ask.
Pre-Calculus-80
English-86 (very happy about this one)
Physics-72 decent
Yearbook-70 another don’t ask
Am. History- 96(yay)
Chemistry- 82

You know I think I’m happy about my grades. I am taking really hard classes this year and so far I haven’t had a single D. One thing that angers me though, is those elective classes that teach you nothing all year then suddenly expect you to recall the whole text book in an attempt to make their class seem legitimate. I have no problem with teacher’s who teach me all year then give hard mid-terms that’s expected. You learned the material you should be able to recall it.

Today I went with Thomas to go job hunting. We went to the fur festival this past weekend it was super fun. The best/worst part was the chicken on a stick. God that was good. My stomach was really pissed at me after. I mean I did feel slightly bad because of my running/yoga spree. How can anyone be expected to not eat festival food. Oh god Oprah is talking about how horrible fried food is. I would love to see Oprah visit festivals every weekend with a 5 pound crown on her head and 5 inch heels on her feet. I’m pretty sure the last thing on her mind would be saturated fats.

On a lighter subject, my birthday is less than a month. YAY i’ll be 17. Which means….I can go to a rated R movie. Even my daily life at high school consists of sharing facilities with people who could put jenna jameson to shame. okay birthday list:

Mouse for laptop. I hate dragging my finger around a little square and coordinating that with my other hand clicking buttons.

Laptop Case

Tanning Minutes

Money

I’ll add more soon