Courtney?

alright so seeing as i don’t have anything particularly deep to write about i’ll just write. It’s time i get back to the way i really write.

so it’s freezing outside
ugh
i thought i was done with the cold but it’s kind of funny the way things happen when you least want them to

so let’s chalk this up i’m minus a boyfriend and a bestfriend and possibly about to be short another bestfriend
and it’s cold
and my grades are less than amusing
as in they are so bad it’s not even close to funny

so here’s my apathy kicking in.
do i care that i have a pageant in a week that i’m barely prepared for?
not really.
do i care that i’ve lost 10 pounds and i’ve been emotionally eating so much lately that i’ll probably gain that back 10 fold by friday?
not so much.
do i care that i have a pre-calculus test, three equally terrifying assignments due in Allan, and that i’m clueless in chemistry and physics?
nope.

what should i do about this?
study.practice.think about what i’m eating, work on school, and study.
what will i do about this?
most likely put on my sweat pants and type a blog.
yes! one goal accomplished
and i’ll probably hang out with my friends

it also doesn’t help that i’ve been emotionally challenged lately.
i’m pretty sick of feeling sucky and this weather isn’t helping
i also have this theory that something is seriously wrong with the librarians
i mean honestly i don’t know why they’re so bitchy no students go in there because of how they treat us so what are they so pissed off about?
seriously cpsb needs to invest in putting zoloft in the water fountains up there or maybe just a little sunlight would up their endorphin production please anything to make that place a little less like satan’s palace.

and on a lighter note please stop messing with my head

I wrote something in my journal today at school and i just feel like it belongs up here. I just need a catharsis. This sucks and I hate it but I have no choice you know? The sooner I can “heal” the better things will be. It’s kind of funny because I could never figure out how to write about love, but here I am now of all times miraculously figuring it out. And this is obviously about Thomas, but i just think i need to say that he is my best friend. And he is an amazing guy. So i’m not trying to throw this out here for anyone to read because im angry or pissed or whatever. i just need this. I need this for me and me alone. The last thing i want is for anyone to think badly of him or feel bad for me because hoenstly you don’t know the way it was. so here:

It’s crazy how things work
Life is Crazy
Happiness is far
I won’t erase I won’t forget
I’ll breakdown I’ll hate I’ll love I’ll miss I’ll let go and I will I swear I’ll let go.
My heart has been in the market place.
My heart has been bought, broken, used, worn, stolen, and flat out taken and then returned.
Returned each time and I, like the dutiful merchant
rebuilt the framework, tied up the loose strings, and put it back on the shelf.
And so here I am again sitting in my workshop feverishly sewing, gluing, taping, doing anything I can just to be at equilibrium.
So right now I feel my heart will never be a hot commodity, on display in the window, but instead, something left on a shelf to collect dust in a flea market.
I want to read this.
I want to explain.
But i can’t because right now I’m too busy picking up my own pieces.
I’m too busy trying to forget you.
I’m too busy trying to remember you.
I’m too busy trying not to cry
and i don’t want to write this because I never wanted to be that girl.
I don’t want your pity or your sympathy.
I don’t want to want you back and I don’t want to smear your image
I just want to feel better.
I just want to feel.

I want to paint
I want to paint well
I want to paint so I can paint a picture
I want to paint you a picture
I want to paint a picture for the 9 out of 10 9 year olds who claim to have dieted
I want to paint a picture for the 1 out of 10 9 year olds who have not dieted
I want to paint you a picture of what it’s like to never be happy
I want you to know what it looks like to grab a roll of fat everytime you glance in a mirror
I want each and every one of you nine year olds to see one imperfection and search for millions
I want you to never know what it’s like to experiment with drugs
I want you to know what is even worse than that
I want you to know what it’s like to experiment with eating disorders
I want you to know what it’s like to experiment with self-hatred
I want you to know I’m not a feminist
I want you to know feminists loathe women like me
I want you to know I’m not a role model
I want you to know what it’s like to have a million compliments thrown at you and never hear one of them
I want you to know what it’s like to walk into a room and feel intimidated by other women’s beauty
I want you to walk into a room and feel empowered by your beauty
I want you to know that one day your empowerment won’t come from your beauty but from your mind
I want you to know my deepest darkest secret
I want you to know so maybe it will save you
Maybe my painting will save you
I want to paint it because it’s easier than words
Words are admissions
Admissions come from experience
Experience relies on forgiveness and lessons learned
I don’t forgive myself
And I still haven’t learned my lesson
One day I would like to be a woman
I want to love who I am
I want to love double digit sized pants
Because I will never be you
I will always be disproportionate
But i want to love that
And i want to accept that
But right now I’m a teenage girl
And I hate my body
So i wish I could teach you something anything
But I can’t because i can’t even take my own advice

I have this theory about life.

Life is like a ferris wheel, in order for someone to be at the top someone has to be at the bottom.

Eventually your turn at the top is going to come and you can ride the ferris wheel as many times as you want and be at the top however much you want but you do have to come down eventually.

It’s my answer to hope.

You know i may be at the bottom right now but eventually i’ll make it back to the top. things can’t stay bad forever.

And honestly my ferris wheel bucket that i’m riding in is scraping the ground. and the person that seems to be on top right now, well i know they really aren’t. i know they’ll have to come down eventually and they’ll realize even though they thought they were on top they got there the wrong way.

So i know stuff is bad right now but i’ve got to learn something from this. I think what i’m going to learn is that you really can’t trust people. Because i pass my trust out like m&m’s.

I wish people would be born with stamps on their foreheads, then i could know who to trust and who not trust. But i guess then people would know they could take advantage of my trust huh?

That’s another thing i believe. I believe that one purpose of life is to learn lessons. I believe you never stop learning until you die. I also loosely believe in karma. I don’t think people are punished for specific actions, but it kind of relates to my ferris wheel idea. I think when people do bad things, the more bad things they do the more likely it is that something bad will happen to them.

I’m tired of wasting my life. I feel like i need to be pro-active. I want to get out and do something. I need to build something. i love building it makes me feel so accomplished. I don’t care if it’s a cabinet or someone’s self-esteem. It feels so good to put serious time, thought, and effort into something and see a finished product. I think that if more people saw the value in that then maybe this world would be a little better.

I wish more people were able to look at the bigger picture. I know i’m guilty of it too, but too often people see situations with their eyes only. There are too few people who look at life in a broader scope. I think from now on when i make a choice to do something i’m going to ask myself how am i affecting others by doing this? It could be anything like: how am i affecting someone by eaitng this candy bar? contributing to obesity in america. How am i contributint to society by speeding down this road? making it unsafe for children to play outside. How am i changing the world by dropping this piece of paper on the ground? adding to pollution.

I know i won’t always think this way , but i can try i can make a small effort. I’ve always been really inspired by pay it forward. i like to think that when i do good things for people like letting a car out into the road thats blocked in or picking up a book that someone dropped, that the person will notice and might do soemthing nice for someone else.

i know people think i’m negative but i’m really quite idealogical, which isn’t much better but it’s the closest i can get to optimistic while still being realistic. i know those are kind of opposites (idealogical and realistic)but i like to hope and wish and dream. It makes life a lot easier.

i need something, anything just to make my life calm down i need the turmoil to be gone if only for a month or two or forever.

Things That Suck:

worrying about my weight
the month before a pageant
studying for pageants
losing weight for pageants
exercising for pageants
silence
super loud places
worrying
school
assignments
winter
having company
being alone
being bored
ignorance
stress
back pain
missing ginger
my mom’s drama
plenty more

Things that don’t suck:
feeling accomplished for losing weight
winning a pageant and knowing you won because you did it the right way
being prepared for school
getting a good grade
good music
the sun

I’ve been thinking a lot about life.
I decided that change is good.
Even if it seems bad at first eventually it will cause you to grow and change and develop
I used to have a pessimistic outlook on the future and human’s general purpose for sustaining life
I can’t say i know why we’re here i think if i did know i wouldn’t be sitting at my laptop..i’d be on the today show
i think it’s fruitless to worry about the future and weigh myself down like that
honestly at the point where i am in my life right now i need to live each day as it comes
i need to stop worrying myself
i can’t fix everyone and i certainly can not fix their problems

I was also thinking about Lake Charles. I’ve always said how much i hate it and how i can’t wait to get out but i’m not sure if that’s true.
i know if i don’t go away for college i will most likely never leave.
I decided to list the pros for cities that i have considered living in:

Lake Charles-family,friends,traditions,i know my way around, i’m comfortable here.
Baton Rouge-good school away from l.c.
New Orleans-good school, debauchery,i love the french quarter
San Francisco- Liberal community, looks pretty in most of the movies and photos i’ve seen, urban area
Boulder- not quite as big as denver but still decently large, beautiful scenery, what i have heard(thomas)/seen(movies) it seems like a really nice place to live
New York-mecca of fashion, major urban area, site of broadway and i could likely see an actual opera, great shopping
Tucson/Flagstaff-thomas adores this area mainly due to the architecture of the homes but also because of the tendency for the cities to be liberal communities, i think i would prefer dry heat over humid heat, and dry cold over wet cold.

i really just want to travel i want to see things, experience different cultures, eat food containing things i don’t want to know about, see almost every continent/ocean (count me out for the poles)

i feel like there’s so much to life that’s out there just waiting for me to come discover it. I feel like i know so little about the rest of the world i just want the opportunity.

THat’s another thing i was thinking about. The only reason i desire money is to give it away. honestly. i know i sound like i’m trying to be mother theresa. but i’m not damn,hell,shit,ass see? if someone gave me 1,000,000 right now this minute i would take half and immediately give it to a charity. I would pay off my parents bills, maybe buy myself a car, put up a little for college, then donate the rest to another charity. I just wish for one day i could be oprah. she’d be pissed as hell but i get that she’s charitable but my god she’s valued in the billions. do you know what some people would do for 1000 dollars? i just wish she would stop passing out cars and start passing out health care plans.

I just want to help people that’s all and i hate that i need money to do the things i dream of because i really don’t need it. I just want the children that i might have to have any opportunity they might ever need and for other women, men, and children to have the opportunities that they will never receive. Not everyone chooses to be homeless or poor. Not all women choose to have multiple children. Not everyone wants to be on welfare or food stamps or government housing. Some kids (white,black,asian,hispanic) dream every day about attending an ivy league school and they’ll never be able to do that. Is that really fair?

No I guess it’s not because life isn’t fair but why can’t i be that person that makes life a little more equal?

Ginger, my dog, died today.
She’s had diabetes for about 6 months.
We had her since she was about 6 weeks old.
She was probably somewhere near 7 or 8 years old.
I know it’s kind of silly to write a blog about a dog, but the thing is.
She was my best friend for a really long time.
For a while I was really unhappy with myself
and i just didn’t really trust anyone or have faith in anyone.
Honestly my whole way through junior high I thought I was the ugliest girl
I hated myself.
But everyday I came home and Ginger was there and I knew I could just hug her
and she loved me.
God i feel like i’m in 5th grade but goddamnit it’s just not fucking fair.
and i probably shouldn’t be writing this while i’m crying.
But i just feel so bad.
When she got her diabetes she peed a lot and she couldn’t really control it
so i would always make her get out of my room and i would always get angry with her for peeing everywhere
And i just feel bad because none of it was her fault.
I came home today and she was laying on the kitchen floor
she was stiff and shaking and i thought she was dead
there was blood and hair and other stuff everywhere and she was laying in it
and i just feel so horrible because i know she was laying there all day in pain
and we brought her to the vet immediately and they said they thought she was going to be okay
they said as soon as she recovered from this they were going to run some tests
and then they called us a little while ago and said she was having seizures and they couldn’t do anything for her
they said they needed to put her down and nobody fucking asked me
noone asked me
she was my dog and no one asked me if maybe i just might want to go see her before she died.
i just didn’t want her to be alone.
i know i’m going to feel really stupid later about publishing this blog but god i loved her so much
it really is like having a friend die.
I always thought i would be much better with death than this
i’m kind of scared now because obviously i’m not that great with death and this was only an animal
but seeing as i’m a hell of a lot more compassionate towards animals than humans maybe it won’t be that bad
just honestly i usually suppress my emotions and everything boils over later and this time i guess i just let it boil over now
so ginger, i’m sorry i wasn’t nicer and i’m sorry i wasn’t there when everything bad happened.
but thank you for always listening to me and thank you for laying with me when i needed you and thank you for helping me be able to let my emotions out

I’m insanely bored so i’m writing a list of my future goals/dreams/expectations

1. i will realize that high school would have been a lot more fun if my parents had been more understanding and trusting
2. i will realize that i was a good child and did absolutely nothing to deserve the lack of trust my parents give me
3. i will have a career that makes me happy
4. i will have donated a large sum of money to some form of charity
5. i will hopefully be doing charity work in whichever profession i choose in some other country
6. i will have gotten my “party” days (as i hear they are inevitable) out of my way so i can focus on a career and a family
7. i will not live in lake charles or louisiana or reasonable driving distance from this area
8. i will live a clean healthy life hopefully filled with fresh air, organics, and beautiful scenery
9. i will be in walking distance from a whole foods or corner market
10. i will be living somewhere with multiple sources of entertainment at my disposal
11. i will have attended a broadway show and see an opera, and i will have to wear a formal and sit in a box and sip champagne
12. i will have set up my own home for women/young girls who need help in any way shape or form. it will be clean, it will be nice, it will be a home. it will be open to any girl who needs resources anything it can be about sex, pregnancy, parents, money, shelter, food, tutors. and i don’t want it to be a place where “only the trashy girls go” i want girls to feel welcomed and not ashamed. if you don’t understand my motivation for this then read the girls who went away (i can’t figure out how to underline that)
13. i will be with thomas
14. i will be married at an appropriate age and an appropriate time no one will rush me or try to delay me.
15. i will have children eventually
16. i will have children when i feel i am stable enough of a person to not severely screw them up
17. i will NOT grow up with my children
18. i will be their mentor and their mother
19. i will not be their jailer or their judge
20. i will be their friend only if they want me to be
21. i will have the american dream only in my own perspective.

Okay I’m dead serious.
I wish I did not love animals as much as I do.

It’s impossible for me to be a functioning adult. Jesus.
I have this phobia that when I get older I’m going to turn into some kind of cat lady. You know the kind that has like 40 cats and knits sweaters for each of them.
Oh god this has got to stop.
See what gets me is the strays. I mean I just feel awful, because I know they’re hungy, cold, and will most likely end up getting killed.
And I know it’s just the way nature has to work or otherwise we’d get overrun by animals.
The bad thing is Thomas loves animals too.
I’m also worried about that because I know as soon as he gets his apartment he’s going to want to buy a dog and that’s like having a kid, and I found a cat that he has convinced me to let him keep.
Honestly, I think it would be in my best interest just to own some kind of animal shelter or pet store or something. I just wish people wouldn’t let house pets roam the streets. Yeah, I get you can’t take care of it, but please just take it to the pound. Honestly, I would rather the animal be youtheanized then live on the streets. That’s just so heartless.

I would join PETA, but I’m rather fond of fur. :/
I wish I wasn’t so compassionate. I’m forgiving to anyone just because I see almost every single issue from their perspective. I feel bad because I know how I would feel.

This just cannot be good for my health.

That damn stray cat scratched me.

I went to bring it some milk and i picked the cat up to bring it to the milk and it scratched me. It hurts really bad. Then my dad let my dog out. I know he did it so the cat would go away(he grew up on a farm so now he doesn’t like most animals) because he hates having extra animals around the house. What a butt. So I have to go outside and haul my dog in then make sure the cat is still alive because Ginger is smacking her lips. I can’t find a flashlight so I have to use my cell phone and search the ground for this cat. Luckily Ginger did not have any of the cat’s appendages in her belly, only deviled ham spread.

Wow this blog was incredibly weird.

I miss my old music. I bought limewire for my laptop so i wouldn’t kill it with viurses. So i am re-discovering all of my old favorite bands.

I’m not like everyone else i know. i’m not trying to be all cliche “omg i’m so effing original i mean i smoke pot and i listen to red hot chili peppers like omg i’m so cool” no not me not at all that’s so stupid. I think it’s a bad thing that i’m different i mean

i’m blunt and mean
and i don’t think about anything before i say it
i’m sympathetic towards EVERYTHING and i mean everything including rapists,murderers, robbers, inanimate objects, and overall bad people
i’m not cool. at all. i’m awkward and uncomfortable around most everyone.
i’m mean because i don’t want you to get in but most of all because i don’t want you to want to get in.
i have pretty much zero talents.
i pick up on personality traits of people i barely know and relate them to people i do know. in turn i treat them like my best friends unknowingly. it usually results in me saying something i shouldn’t
i’ll tell you anything if you really push me for information. i don’t keep secrets well. unless i want your trust and i care about you then i’ll keep my mouth shut. but i don’t care if people know bad things about me. that only shows me who will accept me and who i should push away
since elementary i have chosen a new career almost weekly you can ask anyone who knows me my current one has lasted almost a year we’ll see how long this one makes it
sometimes i doubt i will ever have a career just because i have such a large appreaciation for so many different aspects of life. i think i would be better off becoming a housewife.
i hate deep thoughts. that’s why i watch the oc and shows like mean girls and read gossip girls because i love mindless entertainment. it keeps my mind off of stuff that is too difficult to deal with on a daily basis.
if i could relate myself to one stereotype of the past it would be a hippie, but a neurotic, anxious hippie. and i hate that. because i hate that every other teenager my age thinks they’re a hippie. i don’t think i’m one. i just agree with some of their ideas, and i’m a big tree hugger so it just seems to fit.
i find it difficult to feel bad for myself because all i can ever think of is my mom saying it could be so much worse which it could but i can never deal with my problems because of that.

this was way too much information for one blog.