Courtney?

I remember driving in the car with my grandpaw. He said, “that’s it” and pointed. I didn’t know it was in Louisiana. I thought it must be of too much importance to grace my presence. Flash forward about 5 years, freshman year, I start thinking about where I want to go to college. Realistically, I know out-of-state is beyond me, but we all have our dreams right? So I think I the only other place I could imagine going is Tulane. Probably because it held ivy league status in my mind. Speed it up to senior year, I go to a Tulane reception, I visit the campus atleast 3 times before December. I think okay I just need to get in. I got in..Probably the biggest excitement of my short 18 years. No word on scholarships. I think okay that will come. I call after about a month. I get an answering machine. I get the phone call back that drove me temporarily into a nice little bout of depression. They tell me that they just had so many applicants and I suppose not enough money. They’re applications went from 3,000 just last year to a record 30,000. So basically my dream would have had the potential to be fulfilled if only I had been born a year earlier. A little drastic but the best logic I could compose. So my dream, my love of this school is all shattered with one phone call, and I feel like they’ve left me out in the cold. So then I find out LA legislators each have one 4 year full paid scholarship. So that’s it I print the list send out 200 letters including my resume and act/sat scores (keep in mind with all of these papers I have to use 2 stamps for each letter). So I send those out then come to find out we’re in the middle of an election for a lot of the districts, so lucky me I get to send out 100 more letters. Out of all of those 300 letters I got about 50 typed responses saying no. I got another 24 emails also saying no. So a big thank you to the 200 and some odd legislators who couldn’t even bother to slam the door in my face.

I thought about taking out pieces of each letter and posting them but they were all the same so it was pointless. The point of this blog isn’t poor me. It’s more so my heart was broken and this is my recovery. This is closure. This is me putting down my middle finger and moving on with my life. And even though you’ll be a good 10 feet away from my school I’ll be fine.

My blog is beginning to look more and more like my diary. Sparse entries with little to no substance. Nothing worth remembering anyway. I think that’s the way i like it. It just seems as if I attempt to express “emotion” I turn around, glance back, and wonder if cliche is encoded in my dna. It pops up everywhere I can’t have a decent conversation without reminding myself of my mother. And perhaps I’m confusing cliche with dramatic. As in this self analysis is cliche, but then again the fact that this is even important is slightly melo-dramatic. Maybe it’s an age thing. I know I’m definitely not past the insecurity complex stage that comes 2-for-1 with puberty/adolescence. I think it’s possible that I second guess my judgement..my confidence in the way I feel. But then again, maybe my concern is warranted. Maybe I’m turning around and saying, “look at that, you just made a scene and it was all for nothing.” Who knows I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore. I just have those days where nothing really makes since. Sometimes I just feel like I’m in a movie(dramatic?) I feel like I’m standing still and the scenes are changing around me, the characters are changing, the plot is changing, and no one told me anything so I just get confused and bounce between high and low. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense.

I know that I’ve been extremely concerned with society lately. It’s just…I can’t think of the right word…despairing? depressing? I’ve tried explaining it, but it seems to only make sense in my head so I’m thinking if i can read it and see it maybe it’ll change my perspective or help me to explain it better, but I’m beginning to think life is a game. At this point I’ve yet to find a purpose in life worth pursuing other than repairing the mistakes made by the blind ambitions of careless people. Everything else just seems worthless and self-indulgent. I feel like we’re all walking around looking for a purpose, looking for security. It’s human nature i understand it we’re impulsive creatures, we react to stimulus, we don’t want to be alone. What I’ve learned and been taught to expect from life is that I’ll receive my education, find a husband, have children, be successful, and have faith in God. Not only should this equation make me happy on Earth, but it should also make me eternally happy. But I just can’t see the appeal, it looks so one dimensional to me so unappealing. I want more. I want to feel full. I’m not certain if that includes a spouse or children, but I know the only way I’ll be able to look back and feel satisfied with my life is if I dedicate it to something other than myself. It’s the only thing that feels right. I’ve tried the life everyone else lives. I’ve tried God, I’ve tried money, the only thing that has satisfied me is having a mate and children (although I’ve yet to try either on my own terms) those are the two I know I don’t particularly want to live without. I just don’t understand the preoccupation with “hollister, starbucks, sex and the city, mercedes benz, marrying someone just to say you’re married, having children and allowing your parents to raise them.” I would be very hypocritical if i said I wasn’t materialistic. I love grey’s anatomy. I love banana republic. I love my cell phone. I love this laptop. But i think the difference comes between recognizing the value of those things. I know if I could go to Africa/India/Iraq/etc. to do anything, dig ditches, talk to girls my age about the benefits of an education, or help in a clinic, I would give all of that up.

I’m afraid to re-read this post I’m afraid I might have dove a little too far, and I might be entering cliche/dramatic territory. I’m not sure, but I know that there’s still a piece of me that wants to be a writer, and for some reason it makes sense to me to pour everything out. I feel like if i confront all of my demons, then if writing is something I choose they’ll be less likely to make appearances in what i write.

SO I haven’t posted in about 6 months. I’m not really sure where to begin. It’s been a while since I’ve actually typed a blog so I’ll just start like I usually do by typing every random thought i have until it all seems to piece together. I can’t even begin because there’s so much I feel like I need to say which is confusing because I’m typing to no one. Essentially I’m telling a story to a screen. Which is fine, it’s probably what I need. Sometimes i worry that my crazy is a bit too crazy for the people I share it with. So that must be why i started a blog, in order to spare those around me. hah

so let’s begin with what I’ve been bitching about the most lately college whoohoo. I’ve spent 17 years thinking college was going to be it for me. You know like that’s what would piece it all together, make my life better, make me a stronger person, make me smarter, more educated, talented, and provide me with something to offer to the world. I’m beginning to realize that was my responsibility. Not only was it my responsibility, but I’m about 3 and a half years too late. Apparently colleges don’t want to help you or improve you. No they would like the robots. So I’ll be blunt I got into my choice school, but despite my test scores, my extracurriculars, grade point average, and classes being quite above average, I have yet to receive any money. So my choice school has now become my haha yeah right school and my second choice is now my oh please god if you’re there it’s me courtney can you send down a fat check. Third school is on the verge of not causing cardiac arrest inducing debt. and fourth school well shit why didn’t i just apply there and leave it at that. It gets me away from lake charles even though it’s high school with a different name. I don’t know i just spent so much time building up my expectations and being excited about college when i suppose I should have been home studying instead of living life and learning.

Bitter..yes i know.

So I have developed a minor obsession with becoming a surgeon, it’s only fueled by my love of medical tv shows, which is lame but sadly true. Everything I do I relate it to surgery. It’s kind of weird now that I see it typed, but i just equate a lot of skills i possess and those i think i should aquire to being a surgeon. Needless to say I’m pretty much peeing my pants about getting to cut those cats open in may. The animal lover in me feels reeeeaaaally bad about it, but I really hope mine is pregnant.

I’m trying to ignore the presidential campaign. Politics used to interest me but now it’s just become a fight between two sides of the country. ALthough i will say I am going to vote for hillary i think she has great ideas and i truly think she is the most experienced and overall best candidate for the job.

I always try to write about relationships and it always fails. I will probably erase this paragraph. I’ve realized a lot in 2007. I realized I’m allowed to be happy. I realized you’re supposed to like the person you’re in a relationship with. And one of the best things i heard that really made sense to me is it’s important to think about all the character flaws in the person you’re dating and then think about how much of a deal breaker those typically are, and if those flaws are something you don’t really have a problem with then you’re probably in a good place. I know it’s not the other person’s flaws that I should focus on, but it is important to recognize that they exist and that they might be something i can or can’t live with. I always feel like I’m too young to talk about this, and I probably am, but i talk about a lot of things I probably don’t know enough about so this might as well be one of them.

i think that’s all for now hopefully there will be more soon

so i know i have been quite inconsistent with my posts lately buuuut it’s the summer and i’ve been extremely busy working on summer assignments and whatnot haha yeah right anyway i decided to share a little about my adventures

i went to girls state for a week that wasn’t my favorite thing but i learned a lot about the way our state’s governemnt works and i met some really awesome girls from around louisiana despite waking up at 6 every morning and marching around campus like we were in boot camp oh and the shitty food it was pretty decent.

i think probably the best experience this summer and quite possible ever was going to lead america. I flew out to dc for a 10 day conference on medicine at georgetown university. i loved the campus the architecture of the buildings was great and everything is uphill so i got good exercise haha the weather is also amazing like no humidity whatsoever it was wonderful. we had lectures everyday and we did patient simulations that med students do. they hired actors to play a patient and we had to visit with them and diagnose them. there was just a lot of really interesting opportunities that we received. there were like 300 other students there i think? a few from different countries but most from all over the u.s. it was such a great experience to meet so many people from such different cultures. my roomate was this really cool slightly hippie chick named jessica from colorado and cassie was next door she was from michigan there were two guys in my group that we hung out with ben from houston and brandon from california both were really cool and we also hung out with greg from california who was pretty cool too we got to see some of the memorials and monuments and went to congress, supreme court, and the smithsonian

haha i just read that and i sound like a little kid that just got back from summer camp but it was really great

so i’m having surgery on my nose tomorrow due to my deviated septum

my family is also hosting a foreign exchange student this year and she arrives on the 16th so i think that will be interesting

all in all i think i’ve had a great summer that is hopefully leading up to a great senior year

okay so it’s been pretty much forever since i wrote a post so here we go

it’s been so long in fact that i forgot the web address i don’t feel like being grammatically correct so this blog will have 0 commas periods or any other sort of punctuation. okay after that. well there might be some periods anyway so i think that i haven’t done this in a while because life has been pretty great. Although i am trying to finish my biology assignment before next week.

Speaking of next week i really don’t want to go to girl’s state i just want to go to washington plus i just got a job and a new car im so happy it’s a 2005 jeep liberty its super hot. my job is pretty nice also it’s like i’m getting paid to be bored and my parent’s don’t pay me to type blogs or surf myspace and facebook so im thinking it’s a good thing. even thought the people at hollister arent all extremely nice it’s money and thats all that matters

so i just started getting ready for queen of queens which is going to suck because honestly the best part is just being able to hang out and watch the pagesnt but now i have to be in it. but basically my strategy is just to have fun i’m really not going to take it too seriously because i don’t want to win it’s so much responsibility and i feel like someone who has been to queen of queens a couple of times deserves it more than a 17 year old like me i mean it should be someone mature and someone who is aging out of the system

anyway this is what i was getting to so i went into look at dresses and it just cracks me up when people think they’re smarter than they are. there was this girl in there and she was trying on a dress and she starts talking to my mom and shes like yeah well im taking two college classes next year and im only a senior i wanted to say sweetie come to barbe they’re all college classes i mean really? besides she’s dumb as a rock i hate to be mean well not really but there’s more then she starts griping about how hard her life is because shes always so stressed and she’s stressed because she just made captain of the cheer squad or dance squad or something like that and then she starts talking about how shes been in pageants since she was 10 and blah blah and i almost said actually i’ve been doing this for five years and i’ve never seen you that just really made my day

i probably sound really catty right now but it’s because i have nothing else to talk about well nothing i feel like talking about i think that’s where gossip stems from. bored women who have nothing else to say. well that makes me feel slightly ignorant but oh well oh i also came up with the theory that men are extremely simple and the only reason all women arent lesbians is because men are more attractive than women and that’s because most women have enough trouble tolerating their best friends why the hell would they want to date them. i really wonder if it’s possible that women are more evolved than men. i know we have atleast emotionally evolved more than men OR maybe men are more evolved than us because they have simplified their emotions and therefore made them controlable and perhaps men have surpassed women in the evolution of their physiques it would be interesting to study although there is most likely no way that we could prove that either sex has evolved in such an abstract way maybe the physical thing would be possible?

i know when i get to college i definately want to spend some time dabbling in genetics speaking of im really dreading college im avoiding senior year like the plague i just keep pretending this summer will last forever i just dont feel like dealing with everything i’ll post more soon im tired of typing

OKay so I haven’t really done anything on here lately majorly due to a case of writer’s block and mono. My favorite combination. So I’ll do a few updates.

My mom told me not to tell anyone buuuuut im getting a nose job hahaha i think it’s hillarious it’s because i broke my nose a while back and now i have a deviated septum and it’s causing me major sinus problems. Anyway I’m hoping he’ll give me some cute little nose like Ashlee Simpson. Her new nose is adorable.

Since I have been sick i’ve lost 15 pounds which makes 30 in total since like spring break. I’m pretty pleased about this. Not so much the mono part that was the sickest ive ever been in my life.

I cant wait to go to Florida only 10 more days. I’m pretty much excited.

Okay so here’s what is on my mind. Can we really blame people who are ignorant. I was reading some posts by several Barbe students. I couldn’t help but laugh and I was also bothered by it. I mean honestly people who talked about other races and women and how they hated this type of person and how they’ll fuck you up and they love smoking weed and getting trashed. I just don’t know whether these kids can be blames for the dumb things that they say. I mean ofcourse an upbringing is mostly based on environment but eventually we all take responsibility for our actions. Maybe it’s just me but I learned that in what elementary? I just don’t understand the point of speaking acting and dressing a certain way to fit in with a certain group. Honestly i think i’ve mellowed out a lot because that used to really bother me now it just kind of makes me laugh

i realized what mrs. allan meant by tagging me so here except i dont have friends on wordpress so im just going to pretend like i tagged people

1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. In response to Mrs. Allan’s number one i refuse to go anywhere near the end of a book before i begin reading. I know it’s a good book if i can’t predict the ending

2. I won’t ever need a therapist as long as I have a credit card. There is nothing better than retail therapy.

3. I love water. I feel so much better being in water than on land. it’s really strange.. When i was little i used to run my hands under the faucet and it always made me feel better.

4. When I first read Harry Potter i was 11 and in the book all witches and warlocks? got their invitations to Hogwart’s when they were 11… I checked my mailbox every single day until my 12th birthday. I just knew i was a witch.

5. I think Q-tips are a small miracle

6. I’m very accepting when it comes to pretty much anything people, movies, books, music

7. I love chocolate anything…seriously dip a piece of paper in chocolate and ill probably eat it

8. i like to learn i just wish i could learn about subjects im interested in

okay so mrs. allan left me a comment that said i had been tagged or something so i think this means i have to post a blog. I have made several attempts since writing my last one but I keep finding an excuse not to. I could do some self analysis right now about that but instead I’m just going to say I’ve been really busy. OH CRAP I just remembered our research paper is due tuesday ughhhhhh. Okay no offense Christa but I will be so glad when this year is over. Your class is seriously a killer. I have never ever in my life had more homework. Especially with all of my other classes. I have no doubt whatsoever that this was my hardest year of high school. But I made better grades this year than any of my other years. Yeah I didn’t do so hot in physics but who the hell does well in that class? Before I started that class my goal was to make atleast a D each six weeks. I made like straight B’s with the occasional C I am quite excited about how that turned out haha.

In other news I won Miss LA Railroad Days. I think i addressed this previously but I’m really happy about winning. I have always wanted to be a Railroad queen and I’m so proud to finally have this title.

I also got accepted to a medical program this summer in Washington, DC at Georgetown University. I am so excited i can’t wait to go. A. I love plane rides haha B. I am in love with medicine C. I have always wanted to go to DC the fact that it’s at such a great school is definately a plus.

23 days until school is out and i couldn’t be happier. 27 days until i leave for florida. CANNOT wait. I plan on waking up tanning reading shopping swimming and eating. God i love the simple life.

Nothing particularly interesting to say except i need to go back to the gym i need a new cell phone and a new car seriously if you have ever seen my car or my cell phone you would completely understand.

okay so i don’t particularly have anything interesting to say i’m just listening to modest mouse and it reminds me a lot of what has been going on.

in the past year:
i have seen things i never wanted to it. it’s amazing what happens when you hand control of your life over to someone else. i’ve done things in my past i’m not proud of. i wanted to be someone that i realize now i don’t ever want to be. i want nothing to do with the way i was for a long time. i think we all have this image of what we want our lives to be like and how leading that kind of lifestyle will make us feel. i thought i knew. i thought i knew it all. i had everything mapped out. i had no clue. i had no clue what it would do to me. how i would feel. i can only blame myself for falling so deep into that hole. i can give credit to someone else for pulling me out. he doesn’t read this so it doesn’t matter. when i was trying to pick the pieces up off of the floor after thomas he pulled out the broom and the glue. he’s been here more than anyone and we barely know eachother. all i can say is i’m grateful that he helped me realize my mistakes and realize that where i was headed was somewhere i had no place being. i really don’t know how to thank him enough. it feels really good to have a friend that cares enough to tell you no. to tell me to stop fucking up. to tell me to get my shit together. i love each and every one of my friends, but it’s hard to explain i guess just thanks is good enough so anyway
i’ve been around stuff that belongs in movies
i’ve befriended people that have no place in my life
i fell…badly
i cleaned my shit up
i got everything together
i learned that you have to clear your own path
i’m tired of being influenced
i fell in love
my heart broke
my grades went to shit

so here i am cleaning it up. returning to equilibrium. finding myself again. starting over.

i just put the stamp on my envelope for my calculus class at mcneese next year and i’m pretty proud of myself. for the longest time i just said i wouldnt do it because i didnt feel like it now here i am and i’m glad i made this choice

i would like to get a job at one of the lawyer’s or doctor’s offices for the summer but if that doesn’t happen i’ll probably end up volunteering at gauthier campus again.

so my schedule for next year is:
english 4 ap
bio 2 ap
bio 2 lab ap
calculus

i have a title again. i think that’s played a major role in forcing me to get it together again. and i’m so appreciative of this opportunity.

i’m thinking about leaving lc for college (again) im sure that will come up a lot in next year’s blogs

i’m happy

You’re not sure that you love me
But you’re not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain’t fair
You know to just keep me hanging ’round
You say you don’t wanna hurt me
Don’t wanna see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

Chorus:
And it’s alright, yeah, I’ll be fine
Don’t worry about this heart of mine
Just, take your love and hit the road
There’s nothing you can do or say
You’re gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Verse 2:
Now you can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with and just let me move on
Don’t concern yourself with this mess you left for me
I can clean it up you see
Just as long as you’re gone

[Chorus]

You’re not making up your mind
It’s killin’ me
and wasting time
I need so much more than that

Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah

[Chorus]

Leave the pieces when you go (oh yeah)
Leave the pieces when you go

Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah

Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah

Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah

Leave the pieces when you go

Leave the Pieces By The Wreckers