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I want to paint
I want to paint well
I want to paint so I can paint a picture
I want to paint you a picture
I want to paint a picture for the 9 out of 10 9 year olds who claim to have dieted
I want to paint a picture for the 1 out of 10 9 year olds who have not dieted
I want to paint you a picture of what it’s like to never be happy
I want you to know what it looks like to grab a roll of fat everytime you glance in a mirror
I want each and every one of you nine year olds to see one imperfection and search for millions
I want you to never know what it’s like to experiment with drugs
I want you to know what is even worse than that
I want you to know what it’s like to experiment with eating disorders
I want you to know what it’s like to experiment with self-hatred
I want you to know I’m not a feminist
I want you to know feminists loathe women like me
I want you to know I’m not a role model
I want you to know what it’s like to have a million compliments thrown at you and never hear one of them
I want you to know what it’s like to walk into a room and feel intimidated by other women’s beauty
I want you to walk into a room and feel empowered by your beauty
I want you to know that one day your empowerment won’t come from your beauty but from your mind
I want you to know my deepest darkest secret
I want you to know so maybe it will save you
Maybe my painting will save you
I want to paint it because it’s easier than words
Words are admissions
Admissions come from experience
Experience relies on forgiveness and lessons learned
I don’t forgive myself
And I still haven’t learned my lesson
One day I would like to be a woman
I want to love who I am
I want to love double digit sized pants
Because I will never be you
I will always be disproportionate
But i want to love that
And i want to accept that
But right now I’m a teenage girl
And I hate my body
So i wish I could teach you something anything
But I can’t because i can’t even take my own advice
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Your body just made it possible for you to type those words on the keyboard.
Comment by christa allan March 22, 2007 @ 10:10 pmI love you. Seriously. You inspire me! You know, you’re one of my friends that makes me wonder to myself “Why the heck don’t we hang out more?”
)
Comment by lizziem March 24, 2007 @ 4:31 amCourtney, you are talented. I love it, every bit of it. Thanks for sharing your insecurities with the world in order to help someone else.
Comment by Dacia March 25, 2007 @ 4:00 pmwow. thanks so much. it means a lot to hear those things, especially from three other women that i really respect.
Comment by Courtney March 26, 2007 @ 12:32 am