Courtney?

Ginger, my dog, died today.
She’s had diabetes for about 6 months.
We had her since she was about 6 weeks old.
She was probably somewhere near 7 or 8 years old.
I know it’s kind of silly to write a blog about a dog, but the thing is.
She was my best friend for a really long time.
For a while I was really unhappy with myself
and i just didn’t really trust anyone or have faith in anyone.
Honestly my whole way through junior high I thought I was the ugliest girl
I hated myself.
But everyday I came home and Ginger was there and I knew I could just hug her
and she loved me.
God i feel like i’m in 5th grade but goddamnit it’s just not fucking fair.
and i probably shouldn’t be writing this while i’m crying.
But i just feel so bad.
When she got her diabetes she peed a lot and she couldn’t really control it
so i would always make her get out of my room and i would always get angry with her for peeing everywhere
And i just feel bad because none of it was her fault.
I came home today and she was laying on the kitchen floor
she was stiff and shaking and i thought she was dead
there was blood and hair and other stuff everywhere and she was laying in it
and i just feel so horrible because i know she was laying there all day in pain
and we brought her to the vet immediately and they said they thought she was going to be okay
they said as soon as she recovered from this they were going to run some tests
and then they called us a little while ago and said she was having seizures and they couldn’t do anything for her
they said they needed to put her down and nobody fucking asked me
noone asked me
she was my dog and no one asked me if maybe i just might want to go see her before she died.
i just didn’t want her to be alone.
i know i’m going to feel really stupid later about publishing this blog but god i loved her so much
it really is like having a friend die.
I always thought i would be much better with death than this
i’m kind of scared now because obviously i’m not that great with death and this was only an animal
but seeing as i’m a hell of a lot more compassionate towards animals than humans maybe it won’t be that bad
just honestly i usually suppress my emotions and everything boils over later and this time i guess i just let it boil over now
so ginger, i’m sorry i wasn’t nicer and i’m sorry i wasn’t there when everything bad happened.
but thank you for always listening to me and thank you for laying with me when i needed you and thank you for helping me be able to let my emotions out

Losing a pet is terribly sad. When my cat Amelia dies, I know I will be traumatized. All she expects from me is food, water, and love. Nothing else in my life is that simple. It’s okay to mourn. I give you permission.

Comment by christa February 27, 2007 @ 11:30 pm